Welcome to the first episode of Friday Sit Down Comedy. Now, position your sweet ass on a nice pillow or something nice, and
listen read. Let’s do this!
Fridays are great, am I right? I mean, what’s better than starring at a “duty-free” weekend as it slowly approaches you. Well, in my opinion, if it comes with laughs and giggles, and also Christian Bale (condoms included), that’s kinda at least 7 times better. But, since I couldn’t find Bale, I thought the least I could do is try to wrap some funny stuff for you, so that you finish your workweek and dive into the weekend with some proper laughing. That is, of course, if you like ma’ stuff.
So, welcome to the first episode of Friday Sit Down Comedy. Now, position your sweet ass on a nice pillow or something nice, and
listen read. Let’s do this!
Sit Down Comedy // No Concept this Time, just some Talking & Cursing.
I wanna talk.
Do you like talking?
I freaking love talking.
I’ve had this great, great talks with all kinds of people.
In my head, but still…
With myself, with people I don’t know, with my friends, my family, with Ellen..
And I’m always right, you know?
The talks are in my head, right, so no one else has a say.
And, there are several reasons as to why I talk way more in my imaginary little world, than in actual real life.
First, and I’ve said this repeatedly (wow, I can in fact be boring), I’m sort of shy, kinda introverted, communicating face-to-face with people (especially if I don’t know them) doesn’t come quite naturally to me, bla bla bla..
Second, and I’ve mentioned this above, always right, duh.
And, finally, no one interrupts me.
Like, when I’m talking, and someone interrupts me, no excuse, just straight-up steals everyone’s attention from my story or whatever, it sure feels like I’m invisible, dude.
I take it personally, it hurts damn it.
I mean, I’m here, talking how my 86 year old grandma pissed me off because she’s so slow, and someone jumps in, while I speak, with something like “I’m thinking about starting my own business” or “My period’s late”, or something like that.
And so what I do is, I take my invisible ass into my imaginary world and I invisibly beat the living shit out of the person who interrupted me.
Ain’t nobody’s gonna interrupt me with far more important shit than mine.
I’m obviously kidding.
I’m actually a very rational person (yeah, aren’t we all).
I mean, sure, stuff pisses me of, just about as other stuff pisses off other people.
And crazy thoughts, words and whatnot pop on my mind, but I don’t have to, you know, engage with them.
Like, it’s just a thought, I let it go.
So, it’s like, someone interrupted me, and in my mind a very deep, woman’s-disguised-in-a-man’s voice starts yelling, like, “hey you wanna get your invisible ass up here in the imaginary world, and beat the living shit out of this person?”
And I’m like, nah.
You do it, tho.
Here’s when you laugh your asses off, like “wow, this is hilarious, I’ve gotta send this to a friend”, and I’m like, all nice, “thank You, thank You, You’re so kind”, and I mean it, all jokes aside… you’re awesome just for reading this, pal!
Anyways, so the other day, my friend told me, like “dude, you’ve started really cursing, I mean, we all do, but, man.. it’s getting out of hand!”
And I’m like “No, I’m not, fuck you!”
I didn’t actually say fuck you, I only wrote it ’cause it’s funny.
Well, also kinda obvious, so a little funny, a little more lame.
Maybe I shouldn’t have written it..
Ah, it is what it is.
About the cursing situation..
I actually kinda did dial it up a notch.
Stressful times we’re living in, people, and a simple “fuck you” sure is a good way to vent some of that bad energy out.
However, us Balkans, we go deeper than just “fuck you”.
Man, we’re intense.
We share the whole entire story.
Like first, it’s usually not just “you” we’re gonna fuck.
It’s a list.
Like your mom, your sister, cousins, your dog, and whatnot.
Priests are involved sometimes.
Than, once we’ve shared the list, and by the way, each person included gets their very own adjective, we don’t discriminate or whatnot.
Like, for example, your hairy-ass mom, or your fuckface of a father, and stuff.
Then, we get into actual detail.
It’s extremely descriptive, and even more so disturbing.
People cry, birds shoot their brains out, dogs start squealing, and a very distant cousin of the receiver of all the swearing actually loses their virginity, like, out of nowhere.
It’s intense, man.
But, I don’t go there, no no.
I only include the Miss Mother.
See, I even called her Miss, capital letters and shit.
She your Mother, that’s sacred.
And I’m not a rude person.
I have respect.
My parents raised me right.
Like, my mom uses swearwords, but like, occasionally, and like, nothing gross, she’ll just say “dick!”
She actually called me dick once.
But, it was a big misunderstanding, tho.
She only called me that cause she thought I called her that.
Mom, what the hell?
I’m your daughter!
Why would I call you a dick?
We’re not close like that, you’re my mamma!
I love writing even more than talking.
And unlike with talking, I’m actually not terrified of “writing directly to your face”, and I have no idea who you are.
I mean, is someone even here now?
If yes, say something in comments.
So, I may not have my own stand-up comedy show any time soon or ever, for that matter…
But I can always write a sit-down-read-and-laugh piece and hope it’ll make you, well, maybe even pee a little cause it’s funny..
Yeah, they say shoot for the stars, so I’m shooting for the stars in that you find this so funny that you pee.
But also, that no one sees you, cause they’ll make fun of you.
So, maybe don’t pee.
Well, it’s getting a little long, so..
Oh, and it’s my very first sit down comedy piece, so cut me some slack.
It can only, like, get better, right?
And in case you didn’t like this so much that you’re kinda pissed now, when we’re at the end..
So, just turn Netflix and type Louis CK, there are 3 different shows, just pick one.
No disappointments there.
And you can always share what you thought of this in comments, of course! I’d love to hear what you think about this little sit down comedy experiment here.
Also, a huge, huge thanks & lots of love to my bestie Maria who made this photo possible! <3